Namaste Readers,
Ever since I migrated to the U.S. in 1993, I've returned to the Philippines 5-6 times: before high school (1999), before college (2003)?, Christmas during college (2004), project during college (2006), 1 year after completion of MAs program (2010), 6 months after the last time (Summer 2011). Every visit reminded me of the circle of life.
Before I left in 1993, I whole-heartedly believed that the rest of my family would follow us to the States. I was unaware of all the paper work and Politics of migration. When we visited in 1999, my lola wasn't bed-ridden yet; she cried and commented that I got lighter. My lolo was bed-ridden, and he was skinnier than me. My cousins were completing high school, and started showing their independence ( I became aware of SM/Mall culture etc.; I became less self-centered when I realized life went on; and sad also when life went on, and I wasn't a part of it [as much] ).
For some reason, I'm having difficulty recalling the pre-college visit; around this time, I've been to Europe and to California. Nonetheless I remember my Christmas visit (2004). Most Pinoys I've encountered would reminisce about the wonderful memories of Christmas. I remember going to Christmas Carnivals, caroling, and shopping for my little cousins. I specifically remember this one Christmas when Santa really did come; my male cousins and I received this robot/vehicle/spaceship toy with miniature people riding in it ( the very unexpectedness of it made it more memorable ).
I wanted to experience Christmas in the Philippines as a young adult ( before life became too complicated with bills - I rationalized back then ). I remember this was one of the most tiring trips I made. In a matter of 2 weeks, I traveled around Luzon, visiting families from different provinces ( the traffic was horrible and the holiday made the public space uber crowded ). I realized I didn't like this type of whirl-wind trip; I'd like to take my time and have room for the traffic et. al. I liked the Christmas lyrics: "Through the years, we'll all be together, if the Fates allow ... Have yourself a Merry little Christmas Day."
By 2006, I was finishing college ( thinking that I would be entering the work force soon 100% not anticipating graduate school ). There are other parts of the Philippines, yet I've only been in Luzon. I wanted to continue expanding my horizons. My Honors Capstone Project ( exploring the legend of Maria Makiling ) was a good compromise. I got to explore the Philippines more ( not only geographically but aesthetically as well through literature, music, etc. ). My lola was bed-ridden, and one of my godchildren ( Cousin B's first born ) was already walking and chatting. My lolo died recently.
When I visited in 2010, my [older] cousins were starting their careers and family ( Nursing, Owning a Business, Relocating to another region of the Philippines with a new son, etc. ). The little cousins I used to babysit were entering the workforce ( one of them is even taller than me ). My lola recently died; I wasn't able to make the funeral because I was in the middle of finalizing my thesis ( my parents went ). My brother recently got married. My aunts and uncles were busy being grandparents. I was having difficulty jump starting my career et. al., and I was tired of being naive ( following a script, being conventional etc. ). I had to change my outlook ( a complete volte face ).
The 2010 trip became a food trip. Going on the other side of the world ( relative to Philadelphia, PA ) just to eat Filipino cuisine seemed to be the most impractical [yet sensible/probable] thing I could think of. It was a way of rebelling against practicality ( don't get me wrong, practicality has been very helpful; but I think my reservations kept me back; I don't want to be holding onto regrets ).
Lastly ( for now... ) the Summer 2011 trip was taken against practicality also. The money I made throughout all my various part time jobs were just going towards bills. The old me would have been okay with this and would continue following the narrative of: working and suffering before enjoying the fruit of one's labor. That's the same bull shizzle I was told. I have my Bachelor's and Master's Degrees ( and people in high school have a more stable job than me, pardon the hypebole! ).
The new me, however, have better things to do ( while I can, diba? ). So I volunteered - without pay, just experience for compensation - at University A; at least I had a say about where my money went: airfare, 3 months' rent, food bills, snack, souvenirs, etc. I also wanted to interact with other Filipinos outside my family circle. Individuality and striving for independence for Pride's sake are so over-rated. I'm not always going to have this luxury, so why not enjoy, diba?
For now, I think I know where I'm going (career-wise): a PhD ( if part time jobs were the only jobs good enough for me, I WANT to at least have something to show for it: like a PhD degree ), the Peace Corps ( at least this will help me to see the world more and interact with people from different walks of life while honing my skills and reducing my loan bills ), Or a Full Time Assistant Director position ( just to continue growing et. al. ) will further clarify this awareness.
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